Is this a good COLLEGE ESSAY? I sent it to all the UCschools..?

Is this a good COLLEGE ESSAY? I sent it to all the UCschools..?
I sent this essay to the UC schools. And I was just wondering if you think I'll get in with it. This is only my personal response to the first prompt. thanks for reading it! The sound of a blaring siren is unsuitable for an eight year-old child to wake at six o’clock for school. But if a fire station is located on the corner of the block, there is no alternative. The constant alarm has always been present in my tranquil community of Chino Hills, a region located in Los Angeles. Despite the portrayal of frequent fire emergencies, my hometown is average: the city is not overpopulated, crime rates are somewhat low, and housing costs are fairly standard. Living in my old home was a childhood luxury: I advanced from riding a tricycle to a bicycle, I flew my kite in the winds of the community park, I qualified for my county’s science fair with an experiment involving iodine, my wishes magically came true at 11:11 p.m., I was awarded student of the month multiple times a year, and I created friendships with best friends I still talk to today. My family and I relocated to San Diego in 2002. Specifically in Carmel Valley, my new environment is similar to my prior quiet neighborhood, excluding the fluctuating real estate market. The relaxing city also treated me well for the past seven years: I danced with my crush to Michael Bublé’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love” at Winter Formal, I lose my voice each August at the Van’s Warped Tour, I luckily passed my driver’s license test on my first try, I successfully applied for my first job at the infamous Baskin Robbins in Solana Beach, I was carried home and kissed goodnight by the boy I truly love, and I met each member of The All-American Rejects before their second album’s release. My past shaped all that I am today. I have seen the best, loved the worst, hence my integrity knows it is never a mistake to care for someone. The hardships and fortunes form the vast desires I hold for my future. In my lifetime, I had dreams to be of some assistance to Steve’s hunt on Blue’s Clues, the companion of Clifford (the big red dog), a renowned Pokémon master, an electric guitarist touring alongside Billie Joe Armstrong, a profitable abstract painter, the interpreter of the magical realism presented in Cien años de soledad, that girl named Delilah the Plain White T’s endearingly sang for, Lauren Conrad’s next roommate, Daisy Buchanan of The Great Gatsby, an optometrist, a resident at Frank Warren’s house for PostSecret Sundays, and an influential elementary school teacher, respectively. My ultimate aspiration is to inspire children, while they are still young, into believing they inherently have the intelligence to succeed. My communities of Chino Hills and Carmel Valley have given me the strength and ability to make something of myself. In return, that is my greatest goal in life. I intend to make a difference. After nine months of my teaching, approximately thirty children will realize their dreams are not meant to be followed; they must be chased.
Higher Education (University +) - 4 Answers - 2009-01-01 18:06:20

Best Answer
You've already sent it, so... stop fretting! = Anyways, if I were editing it, I'd slightly change the first sentence of the last paragraph, to emphasize what the reader might have missed from the preceding paragraph: My ultimate aspiration is to become a teacher to inspire children, ...

All Answers
Answer 1
It's a bit disorganized I would say. I don't think "I danced with my crush to Michael Bublé’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love” at Winter Formal, I lose my voice each August at the Van’s Warped Tour, I luckily passed my driver’s license test on my first try" is suitable for a college essay.
2009-01-01 18:14:52

Answer 2
You've already sent it, so... stop fretting! = Anyways, if I were editing it, I'd slightly change the first sentence of the last paragraph, to emphasize what the reader might have missed from the preceding paragraph: My ultimate aspiration is to become a teacher to inspire children, ...
2009-01-01 18:18:43

Answer 3
it's pretty disorganized and it seems like your trying to sound smart, rather than just being natural and saying what you feel...
2009-01-01 23:14:59

Answer 4
I agree with the second answer, I would invert the essay around a little. You went into description of some things that were a little un-called for. The whole deal about writing an essay like this is to not make yourself sound good, but what you feel. If you don't put any feelings into the essay, then the reader would not grasp that feeling also. If you're writing it to complement yourself of all your achievements, which would have already been listed on the transcript, then it would make it sound boring. Be a little humble! Any who, my comment may actually sound negative, but you'd like the truth right? Good luck with everything though!
2009-01-01 23:31:27